So long, lonesome.

I am so very dried up.  even St. Ives lotion can’t stop my skin from cracking, inside and out.

i’m terrified of crumbling.  what if i collapse into a pile of rocks? what if bits and pieces fall off each day; an ear, a nose, a finger; until i’ve left a trail of me to no where? or what if i just turn to dust and blow away?

bring me rain; id rather be mud than a multilated statue.

glorious melting snow. like a white curtain splitting, then gliding across a stage, revealing it’s grassy greens. 

i used to boast how much i love snow, how i cuold live my whole life wrapped in a ski coat and throwing snowballs at neighborhood boys. but nope, i’m just as eager as the next anxious jock for the bright sun.

go away, you cushy lining which has kept me comfortably indoors.

[» i’m not just talking about the weather.]

“you lookin’ for the real deal? it ain’t round here, thats fer sure”

i’ve been thinking a lot lately about hopeless fairytale romance.  how in snow white, he stumbles upon her singing and they fall in iove. how in sleeping beauty, he stumbles upon her singing and falls in love. how in the little mermaid, he stumbles upon her singing and falls in love. [»i blame disney for that brief period in my life where i beleived i was a talented singer.]

i desperately, DESPERATELY wish that i could follow that pattern. a romance with no complications, no slow adjustments as they learn about each other’s likes and dislikes, barely any conversation.  all they do is smile into each other’s eyes, something i actually like doing very much.

is there someone who will just look at me and realize he’s in love?  i know i’ve felt that way about numerous boys.  childlike crushes are something i’ll never outgrow.

[»watching and analyzing disney movies is something i’ll never outgrow either.]

[»english class is getting better and better. i love discussions and analyzing writing, something only half our class seems to partake in. i cant wait for ap.]

the process: realize something’s wrong. isolate the problem. remove it, whatever it takes.

that’s always been my philosophy, with sports, school, people. especially people.

i cant think of how many times i’ve ended a relationship because of an attribute, or a personality flaw, or just the way they treated me.

muffle the sound.

fill my ears with silence. stuff them with cotton or steel wool (whichever workss better).  shatter my eardrums with cymbols and spikes.  drive a pole through my head, one empty end to the other. just dont let me hear you’re leaving.

repetition.

I love the whirl, the never ending cycle.

repetition repetition.

the soaring highs, and the dips that make you feel like you’re gonna crash (you never do) 

repetition repetition repetition.

i love the fall, knowing there’s a cushion below

repetition repetition repetition repetition.

throw me a curveball? i can hit it. break my heart? just dont regret it.

repetition repetition repetition repetition repetition.

i need better analogies. 

you are my oldest friend, and i love you with all my heart.  despite all the things i may have said or done (or things i say or do) that would convince you otherwise, i want to help you.  i don’t want to lose you, any part of you.

I wish i could see through those smiles i know you fake daily…and i wish i could hug you when you’re about to cry. but i’ve never been particularly perceptive, and i’m sure i’ve laughed when your heart was breaking.

god, facebook chat ruins relationshiops.

i want someone who uses proper grammar. and puncuation, especially commas. someone who replies quickly, without leaving me staring anxiously, waiting for that awful little speech bubble to pop up. someone who uses smily faces, but not too often. and doesnt get distracted with online tetris. someone who has a tasteful profile picture. someone who can make me smile just through our cyber conversation. someone who doesn’t thoughtlessly sign off on me.

my oh my, do i feel so relaxed.

a new rock has been turned over. a new land discovered. a new company sold their first product. a new piece of gum has been popped in my mouth.

its hilarious how mature i feel, sipping my decaffinated tea and listening to bruce springsteen.  i suppose i look forward to a sophisticated future, where i can bring my laptop to starbucks and wear assorted scarves.

funny how those boys are the last thing on my mind lately, i only just thought of them now.  lately, i dont miss or need anyone.  i do miss school, the learning parts that is.

[»the first thing on my mind is Bode (Boe-Dee). i finally beleive in love at first sight.]

I wish that i could float away

let my life just fade to gray

turn to fluff, to snow, to rain

‘round the cycle and back again

take a trip across the sky

use the wind to help me fly

and after traveling near and far,

i’ll float away, beyond the stars

hayao mayazaki has restored my faith in animation.

who needs disney princess and toy story III when you could instead watch castle in the sky? the latter is unquestionably the superior. [»that last sentence sounds so unnaturally formal…. unrest and nervous chattering have centered themselves in my head.]

i think writing is becoming more difficult.

whoa wait, back up. i just had a flash back.

i think writing is becoming more difficult.

i once heard a statistic which stated that overwhelmingly, girls say i feel rather than sayinng i think when expressing an opinion.  however, boys do the exact opposite, saying i think rather than i feel. 

does this make me masculine? bahahaha.

actualy i’m overjoyed i thought rather than felt. i’ve been feeling too much for too long.

[»i’m also kind of tired of attempting to sound like a good writer.  i write like i talk. actually, i write like i wish i could talk. i think the words in my head, but my tongue cramps up and i sound ridiculous.]

[»it really is getting difficult to be with anyone but myself. i dont mean to snap, i dont mean to be loud and obnoxious. i certainly dont mean to make anyone feel awkward, or uncomfortable. its easier talking to a puppy than to a person.]

[»i had a thought that was going to go here, but it didnt fit with the rest of the writting.]

i worked so hard, so hard, so hard

your approval was beyond my horizon

but could i ever catch it?

i rushed, i rushed, i rushed and rushed

through makeup, hair, and laughter daily

pushing it up, smoothing it down

I took your hands and held you close

consoled you and your silly fears

blotted away your foolish tears

and for that, i miss you.

[»tomorrow’s going to be a gray day, i can feel it. already got my clothes picked out.]

…that’s going to occur in a couple of days. ;)

science fair excites me in more then one way. i’m feeling snazzy in my floral dress.

two more days till little *insert appropriate dog name here* comes home (:

If i ever wrote a book, it would be on philosophy. something i really, truely do love.

My favorite theory is that human nature will never change. a fairly generic topic, but one i like to think about. because we no longer (in our rich, civilized country) fight for our survival and worry about starving to death, we still need that aggravation and stress to keep us alive. so we create useless drama to give reasons to claw at each other, and starve ourself because we worry we eat too much. [»ironic; throughout the centuries food has always been a major concern, but for very different reasons.]

the first time i ever thought about this topic was during science, on my laptop. i emailed a less polished version to my friends. they liked it. i liked rambling. i created this account.

i’m not gonna lie, this really changed my year.

[»i’m very optimistic for the future. many many reasons. things can only get better.]

on the edge, keep writing. 

this shouldnt upset me as much as it does.  i shouldnt be obsessing over what a few people think. but i cant get over how cruel people are.

my history in friendship is simple. i moved to ashburn in 3rd grade, and the friends i made then are still my best frinds today.  in middle school, we bonded together, living inour own little world of false popularity and loudmouthness.

I suppose you couldl say we were wannabes. but we werent. we didnt wannabe anyone else but ourselves.

and for 2 and a half beautiful years, this satisfied us. we wrote a 10 person story, no, more like a fantastical diary, of our simple lives, turning the smallest crushes into fairytale princes and our 7th grade math teacher into a menace.

but in this ignorant, blissful stage, we failed in two ways:

1. we shut people out. no one else would understand this happy little world we lived in, new faces and ideas would ruin the story we had written.

2. we failed to look around the world around us.

I guess we were lucky, surviving preteendom and still holding our innocent nature, as well as our sobriety and virginity.  but now it’s getting increasingly difficult to look back and smile.  i’m not gona lie, i feel weak. and naive.

[»”i’m not gonna lie.” haha. i miss you more every week.]

[»is there some way to fix my awkwardness and unknowing? to learn how normal teenagers are “supposed” to act? <—i definitely regret saying those two sentences. they make me feel shallow.]

[»here are my least favorite abbreviations: w/e. idc. rofl.]

i regret making a formspring.

in the past two days, i’ve received 6 hate comments.

i didn’t know anyone hated me. or that my eyes were too far apart. or that i was annoying as shit. or that i look like an alien.

“i realllyyyyy don’t like you.”

that’s not a question. don’t post it there.

one of my best friends told me i shouldnlt care what people think…it didnt matter as long as your friends still love you. which they do, to a point. 

i wish i had the experience of everyone liking me [»just like she had, at some point].  maybe then i couldl beleive what she’s saying.

[»are they reading this? good riddance. this is what i get for broadcasting my life.]